Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
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At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Optional boss fight.
🌲😼
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
they split up moments later
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
My patronus is a cheeseburger