Hubby: Whatcha got there?
Me: Granola, fresh fruit and yogurt
Hubs: Ugh *wanders off*
Me: *eats my ice cream in peace*

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Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.


wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600


Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety


A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?


The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.


I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.


A is for apple
B is for bear
C is for candy
D is for your mom


Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.


Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]


Me: starting now.