@HelenMaryMe2

Hubby: Whatcha got there?
Me: Granola, fresh fruit and yogurt
Hubs: Ugh *wanders off*
Me: *eats my ice cream in peace*

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@CliffDuffy

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

@arunbothra

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

@Ms_WhateverV

Kids wont go to sleep so I’m playing hide&seek. And now they’ll never find me, because they aren’t old enough to drive or get into this bar.

@Carbosly

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

@KevinFarzad

If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.

@Be___Dope

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

@ch000ch

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

@fart

what’s cool about Mitt Romney is that when you put politics aside he’s still a genuinely detestable person