Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
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New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4