He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
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What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Oops
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.