Hubby: “Why don’t you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?”
Wife: “I don’t want to bother you while you are at work.”

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“I want to take you home, pull off your jacket, run my hand down your spine and curl up with you on the couch.” — bibliophiles, to books


Get a TATTOO they said!
A rock band tattoo would be the BEST they said!
Creed will be popular FOREVER they said!


“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert


“I’m so sick of this life”

* sees preview for next life*

“Yeah.. That’s not gonna work for me either.”


I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.


Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain


Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?


Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?


Me: Beer.


Therapist: Your unhealthy attachment style is preventing you from developing normal relationships
Me: What do you mean, babe?


formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing


murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.