Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
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i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
This is painfully accurate 😅
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.