Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
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What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Catercrombie & Fish
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
A double negative is a big no-no.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”