That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
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me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.