@anon_mommy

Hubby’s ex emailed him wanting to “reconnect”.

I wanna pretend to be him & set it up so I can re CONNECT my foot up her ass

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@mattsurely

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

@_ElvishPresley_

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

@ImSoFrancis

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

@girl_a_whirl

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

@milehighocd

Don’t take a shower when you’re drunk. The curtain does not support you when you fall. Trust me.

@T_N_Crumpets

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

@LOUD_Thoughts_

I have a condition that I eat when I can’t sleep. Its called Insom-nom-nom-nomnia.

@squirrel74wkgn

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

@geowizzacist

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.