“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Hubby’s ex emailed him wanting to “reconnect”.
I wanna pretend to be him & set it up so I can re CONNECT my foot up her ass
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What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen
*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot
*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Don’t take a shower when you’re drunk. The curtain does not support you when you fall. Trust me.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
I have a condition that I eat when I can’t sleep. Its called Insom-nom-nom-nomnia.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.