“How much are these glasses?”
“I guess you could say”
*puts on sunglasses*
*runs out without another word*
Hubby’s ex emailed him wanting to “reconnect”.
I wanna pretend to be him & set it up so I can re CONNECT my foot up her ass
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I see your eyes lookin me up and down, baby. Mhmm.
Huh? Toilet paper hangin out of my pants?
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
WAITER: Do you know what you’d like?
DAD: A better car! Hahaha
WAITER: Sir, wait here
*brings out trophy*
you are our funniest customer ever
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
The doctor says I’m depressed because I don’t have enough iron in my diet so I’ve started nibbling on the gun in my mouth.