Hubby’s ex emailed him wanting to “reconnect”.

I wanna pretend to be him & set it up so I can re CONNECT my foot up her ass

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“How much are these glasses?”
“$150 sir”
“I guess you could say”
*puts on sunglasses*
*runs out without another word*


I see your eyes lookin me up and down, baby. Mhmm.
Huh? Toilet paper hangin out of my pants?


*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*


“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.


I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.


GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf


I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.


WAITER: Do you know what you’d like?
DAD: A better car! Hahaha
WAITER: Sir, wait here
*brings out trophy*
you are our funniest customer ever


I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.


The doctor says I’m depressed because I don’t have enough iron in my diet so I’ve started nibbling on the gun in my mouth.