Calm down hipsters who clear your throats while pronouncing hummus. You bought it at Whole Foods, not a bazaar in Marrakech.
Hubby’s ex emailed him wanting to “reconnect”.
I wanna pretend to be him & set it up so I can re CONNECT my foot up her ass
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5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Me: cubic zirconia?
Me: beaded plastic?
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Kids are fun to be around. Then they start kicking, screaming, drooling, crying, fighting and then you’re just grateful they’re not yours.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!