crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
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Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I love the National Park Service.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.