Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
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You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
tfw you realize …
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”