Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.

Me: Your old shoes were red, too.

8: These are redder.

“Hey, smell this.”

-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

This seems like a really, really bad idea.

*jumps in with both feet*

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me