Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
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Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Do one person every day that scares you.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Every photo I’m tagged in
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.