Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
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People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Oh thanks BBC.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?