Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
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Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
When news reporters do sports stories
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.