I watch birds sometimes and wonder, “If I could fly, whose car would I crap on?”
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
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[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I make a mean grilled cheese sandwich.
This one just told me i was adopted 🙁
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.