@Parkerlawyer

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

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@iGreenMonk

I watch birds sometimes and wonder, “If I could fly, whose car would I crap on?”

@Donnie_Fairburn

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

@Donnie_Fairburn

Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking

@david8hughes

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

@Faux_Ma

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

@SRbeta

I make a mean grilled cheese sandwich.

This one just told me i was adopted 🙁

@Lisabug74

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.