Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

The options really are this bad

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.

~ whiskey

[Controversial and unpopular statement]

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

How do I get a job writing these texts

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

So we got a goldfish…