Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
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This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Do one person every day that scares you.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
👾👾👾
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.