Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

Domino’s: FREE PIZZA

Me: sweet finally

Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????

Me: uh what happened to free?

Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE

Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?

Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

why am I working on Labor Day

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣