Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
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A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
My dress code is business-casualty.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”