Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

Never be a pizza!

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.