Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
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if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
