Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*with the intention of bragging

I just won $7 and a free play on my lottery tickets. Only cost me $36 to achieve this

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now

My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash

me: oh no

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave