Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
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Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
he looks great for his age
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff