Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?

My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

going to bed

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”

“Gun”

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”