Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

my gf left me cuz I’m insecure

nvm she’s back she went pee

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

[coffee shop]

BARISTA: may i help you?

GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.

You have to keep it to a low ha.

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes I see that now

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.