Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

Nice try, NASA

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?

A: Abe Blinkin’

Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.