Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
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Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
My typo game is string.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.