[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
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me: wow its pretty
gf: funny how the slow death of something that once burned so passionately can be beautiful
me: haha what lol
gf: we need to talk
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Boss: Got good news & bad news.
Him: I’m leaving for another job.
Me: Ok..Whats the bad news?
Me: You planning to come back?
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.