wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
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[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
black phone good
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge