Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
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I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.