Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
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[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.