Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
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Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition