Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

🙀🙀🙀😹

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now