Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
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Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Jesus steals the winter solstice
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!