Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet

Wife: Have you tried rice?

Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.

3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents

In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.