Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
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Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.