ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
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me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
So, can we agree on 4 or
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.