Me: I’ll have some cold water
Clerk: sorry all we have is warm water
Me: yall got ice?
Me: I have a crazy idea
Hubs: How long has your car been doing that?
Hubs: The engine smoking at a stoplight?
Me: I dont know, I look at my phone at lights.
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Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
The bit in Snow White when Grumpy’s like “put her in a glass coffin so we can see her decompose”
And Doc’s like
“Man! You’re getting worse!”
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
“my favorite bon jovi song? oh its definitely the one where it sounds like a computer is trying to talk while burping”
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
centipede: *puts down second knee*
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop