@whtedaisy

Hubs: How long has your car been doing that?
Me: ?
Hubs: The engine smoking at a stoplight?
Me: I dont know, I look at my phone at lights.

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@DaddyJew

Me: I’ll have some cold water

Clerk: sorry all we have is warm water

Me: yall got ice?

Clerk: yea

Me:

Clerk:

Me: I have a crazy idea

@daemonic3

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

@kiel_phillips

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

@aksorojas

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

@inanimatecorpse

The bit in Snow White when Grumpy’s like “put her in a glass coffin so we can see her decompose”
And Doc’s like
“Man! You’re getting worse!”

@KateQFunny

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

@TheAndrewNadeau

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

@fart

“my favorite bon jovi song? oh its definitely the one where it sounds like a computer is trying to talk while burping”

@EvilHeart20

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop