Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
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inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.