Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
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I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I’d love this…lol
as is their right
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross