Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.

no!! no!!!!!!

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

first responders? you mean reply guys?

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day

Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?