Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

A man of commitment.

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”

– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?