Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
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[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I need better friends
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
😆this is so true
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit