If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
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“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Hey girl, are you an obelisk, because I’m trying to learn what an obelisk is through process of elimination
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”