@writerPT

Hubs: If you could sleep with…

Me: THOR!!!

Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.

Me: Ohhhh…

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@Mom_Overboard

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

@amydillon

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

@Gupton68

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

@Alex_LaVallee

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

@ewfeez

Hey girl, are you an obelisk, because I’m trying to learn what an obelisk is through process of elimination

@iamspacegirl

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

@HenpeckedHal

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”