Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
You Might Also Like
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity