Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”

– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

“Just circling back on this.”

“Take another lap.”

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton