Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
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[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?