Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

Blew out my flip flop…

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

Wake me when AI does housework

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

The darkness in me is making me sneeze.

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

[at mechanic]

me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment

mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN