Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

I would love to ker-sploosh this.

As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”