Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
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[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Me trying to look natural in photos
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Buck naked
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.