Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
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HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I鈥檓 only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven鈥檛 grown more fingers yet
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
an edibles food truck and i鈥檇 call it the cannabus.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you鈥檙e not 25 anymore
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Hi, I鈥檓 pleased to announce that I鈥檝e arrived just in time to make everything worse
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult馃槶
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust