Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.

І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: it looks like helen keller tried to cut your hair with a knife and fork

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

Wins the Internet today. Night, all…

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

Am I having a stroke?

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!

Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”