Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.

Zack Greinke stories are the best

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

“The Perfect Relationship”

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…