Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*

Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.