Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
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*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
ok hear me out: Luigiana
My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”
almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
This is a sub tweet
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
how to market bottled water to dads
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order