Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.

good work, detective

they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets

Me: Hold my goat

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.