Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
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[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.