Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]

Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶