Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄