Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.

Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.

when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do

and now we wait

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me