Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
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You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
God has abandoned us.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Generation gap…
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.