Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
You Might Also Like
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
the greatest twitter interaction
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.