Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
You Might Also Like
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Those are good neighbors.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
You can’t outrun your problems…
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions