Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
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How many calories are in Twitter beef?
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
that would 100% work on me
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
No laws when master is gone
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
A bold strategy
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”