7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
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*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners