Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
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If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.