Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*

that wasn’t the question

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.

“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.

Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”