Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
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Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Called it
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.