@ddsmidt

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

- @ddsmidt

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As we develop robots, we should make them out of pretzels or cotton candy that way if they become self aware we could just eat them

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My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

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Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

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In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

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At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

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Me: “Thanks. They’d look better on your nightstand.”