Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.