Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
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Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.