Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.

They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music