Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
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If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I’m putting together a team
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.