Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

*crunch*
too salty

*crunch*
this one is broken

*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

*crunch*
not salty enough

*crunch*
broken again

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

I would give up shouting at trees for you.