Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

😂💯

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.

Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.

13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!