Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

3-year-old: Let’s play zombies

Me: OK

3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby

She tricked me into playing house

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.