Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.

Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:

1. A gas pedal

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

He just like my cat fr

*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.